Dilemmas.

I'm at the stage in my life where I have to decide what I want to major in and frankly, it's stressing me out. You know how back in primary school, teachers would usually ask you what your ambitions are? A lot of my friends mentioned that they want to be a doctor, lawyer, you know... the generic ones. I remember how I wanted to become a scientist. And then, it changed to wanting to become the first ever Malaysian woman in outer space HAHA. Seriously! Next? Zoologist. And then I came to realise that I absolutely loved aeroplanes. By that, I mean the experience you get when you fly on a commercial plane. You know, how the pilots and flight attendants greet you with their charm or the hospitality of a certain airline. The overall experience of flying commercial. That's what I loved. I guess that's how the "I-want-to-be-a-pilot" thing started. For years and years, I've been telling everyone how much I wanted to be a pilot, how I wanted to learn how to fly a plane. When my dad asked "Why don't you just learn how to fly a plane just for the fun of it instead of wanting a career out of it?". Told him that it'd be boring. Flying a small plane would be boring. Not flying a commercial jet is the total opposite of what I wanted.

And then I found out that there's a height limit HAHAHA. Ok no, I honestly am not 100% sure about that height limit thing but it crushed me lol. Struggles of a person who's barely 5 feet tall. Slowly, my dreams of becoming a pilot faded. I mean, don't get me wrong. I still LOVE airplanes. I get so excited when I see a jumbo jet in the air! I guess some things aren't meant to be... That's when I went "Now what? What do I want to be now?". All those "ambitions" I had when I was a little girl are definitely not what I want to do, though being a zoologist would be an interesting experience. But I knew I didn't want anything to do with being a doctor, a dentist or anything everyone else is doing. I know that because when I went to the education fair a couple of years ago, all I saw were law schools, things related to medics and what not. And I went "Heck no. Not for me". The only thing that sparked my interests was Taylor's Culinary Arts program. Though I do enjoy cooking and eating (duh), it's not what I'm passionate about.

In fact, I had no idea what I was passionate about. So I went on a personal mission to find out what I was interested in. I started searching "Popular College Majors" and didn't come across anything that appealed to me. So I thought "Okay I'm doomed. I don't know what I like besides airplanes. I'm going to die jobless"

And then, a couple of years back, I came across a video of this YouTuber saying that she's studying at FIDM in LA. So I started reading about FIDM... and FIT in New York... and University of the Arts in London. I guess you could say I had an epiphany? Because I thought why not pursue a career in fashion or beauty. I do love both. And I have been watching fashion and beauty videos on YouTube since I was about 12 or 13. So... Clearly, there are things out there that I love other than airplanes. It just took me that long to realise it!

So I decided to go after it! Do fashion! So that's what I'm doing... Only not designing! I can't imagine myself being a designer. I can't draw to save my life! Now that's where the problem comes in. Yeah, it took me 4 paragraphs to finally mention about this "dilemma" of mine HAHA. Anyway, I want to work very, very closely with fashion and makeup but I don't know what. I thought I wanted to do marketing. Now? I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm about to complete my foundation and the pressure is on me to choose a major or if I just really have no idea what I want! Does that make any sense?

How do you know if you chose the right major? How sure are you that won't end up hating it? All I know is that I really, really want to work in either one of the industries mentioned. A part of me is dying to go to an art school. Do Fashion Communications, Merchandising or Marketing even. I follow about 3 or 4 Malaysian girls who study at Central Saint Martins in London on their social media accounts. I get so excited seeing their Instagram pictures taken at the school. It must be nice to be working in such a creative environment. I want that. I daydream a lot in class about what it's like studying at an art school and how much better it must be compared to my current college. Not saying my college is bad but it's just not what I enjoy. I want to be drowning in a pile of fabrics and textiles and having to deal with assignments on the history of undergarments or even photography! Sigh.

Okay, here's another issue I have: Money. What I want is expensive. The cost of living in UK or the US plus tuition fees? It would cost me (my parents) a fortune! I don't want to do that to them but at the same time, I want this so much. Central Saint Martins, Fashion Institute of Technology and Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, my god. It would be such a dream come true if I ever get the chance to go to one of those schools. But I guess it's too late to consider fashion schools now. I've gotta work with what I already have. Honestly, it kills me to think that I might never have the chance to do something I truly enjoy. But you know... no rezeki. Nonetheless, I'm extremely grateful for everything I have. And can I just say how supportive my dad has been? He doesn't pressure me at all and completely supports me in going after what I want. Also, I found out only a couple weekends ago that he wanted to be a pilot because he loved flying! That would probably explain the tons of flying simulators thingy we have lying around the house. He said the only reason why he never went after his dreams was because he didn't had the chance to. I think he was only given the opportunity to do IT and he took it. I think if he was a pilot today, I would probably won't even be in this world. I probably won't exist if he flies planes for a living. But see, I think I inherited my love for flying from my dad and I find it cool hahah

Anyway, as of right now, my plan is to just get a marketing degree. Even if it's not from a fashion school. Graduate with a marketing degree. Move to New York City or London and work in fashion or cosmetics. Yup. Life goal. Always has been. Always will be.

Before you leave, can we take a moment to appreciate the beauty that is this coat?! I want.